I see Invisible Monsters

So, I don't know what it is about me that drives people away. It seems like whenever I have a really good friend, something shitty happens where they just completely ignore me, like we've never met before and they have no interest of meeting me at all (or all over again). I really can't explain it.

I think, no, I'm actually quite sure that I'm a damn good friend. I never half-ass anything I do, I try to be there for anybody when they ask and do anything they need me to. That's just the kind of person I am, I can't help but to help. I just think about the friends I've had that I thought were good only for it to fall apart and they just go on like the friendship we had never happened. How can you just cut someone so perfectly neat out of your life, like they were never there? Like they never showed you that they cared about you or that they were concerned over you and let you under their skin for comfort? I just don't get it.

It's dehumanizing to treat someone like they were literally nothing, especially without a reason.

It's happened to me on more than one occasion, which causes me pause to think, "Is it me? Well, what did I do wrong?" That's the shittiest part. If someone does something wrong, I think it would be a decent thing to tell them what they did. And if it's not me, (but I know it has to be, at least to some degree) then what is it? How is the problem going to be fixed if I don't know what to fix? Tell me something of anything. I shouldn't have to guess and paste together clues, jump to my own conclusions. All I can conclude is that basically the piece of my heart I gave you wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough to be your friend or in your life.

That, of course, is bullshit since I know how good I am, but that unfortunately does not take the stinging out of my eyes.

I think it's damaged me a little bit, made me a lot more vulnerable and uneasy in social situations. I've always been something of an introvert around strangers, but I just wish I wasn't so anxious. I think people see my withdrawnness as bitchiness because they avoid me, like I don't want to be bothered, treat me like I'm not there. It's not fair, I know I'm a good friend, but no one wants to seem to know me, who I really am as a person.

Sometimes, I don't even feel like a person. I don't feel like I'm there.

So, are you a person if people don't see you?

Now, I'm sorry I came off all Patrick Bateman on you. I really didn't mean to, but man goddamn.

But, I know that I'm just young and that's why it hurts so much. Most things happen for a reason and maybe these people weren't meant to be in my life anymore (especially since most of this is high school bullshit), and I hold on for sentimentality's sake. Maybe I just attach myself to the wrong people and expect them to do for me what I do for them.

Maybe I should have gotten more than four hours of sleep.

Here's a random picture of Aaron Eckhart to cheer me up.

Might cheer you up too.