Double or Something

#tee-hee-hee#

She'll never go to Hollywood

Julee Cruise - Rockin' Back Inside My Heart

I see Invisible Monsters

So, I don't know what it is about me that drives people away. It seems like whenever I have a really good friend, something shitty happens where they just completely ignore me, like we've never met before and they have no interest of meeting me at all (or all over again). I really can't explain it.

I think, no, I'm actually quite sure that I'm a damn good friend. I never half-ass anything I do, I try to be there for anybody when they ask and do anything they need me to. That's just the kind of person I am, I can't help but to help. I just think about the friends I've had that I thought were good only for it to fall apart and they just go on like the friendship we had never happened. How can you just cut someone so perfectly neat out of your life, like they were never there? Like they never showed you that they cared about you or that they were concerned over you and let you under their skin for comfort? I just don't get it.

It's dehumanizing to treat someone like they were literally nothing, especially without a reason.

It's happened to me on more than one occasion, which causes me pause to think, "Is it me? Well, what did I do wrong?" That's the shittiest part. If someone does something wrong, I think it would be a decent thing to tell them what they did. And if it's not me, (but I know it has to be, at least to some degree) then what is it? How is the problem going to be fixed if I don't know what to fix? Tell me something of anything. I shouldn't have to guess and paste together clues, jump to my own conclusions. All I can conclude is that basically the piece of my heart I gave you wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough to be your friend or in your life.

That, of course, is bullshit since I know how good I am, but that unfortunately does not take the stinging out of my eyes.

I think it's damaged me a little bit, made me a lot more vulnerable and uneasy in social situations. I've always been something of an introvert around strangers, but I just wish I wasn't so anxious. I think people see my withdrawnness as bitchiness because they avoid me, like I don't want to be bothered, treat me like I'm not there. It's not fair, I know I'm a good friend, but no one wants to seem to know me, who I really am as a person.

Sometimes, I don't even feel like a person. I don't feel like I'm there.

So, are you a person if people don't see you?

Now, I'm sorry I came off all Patrick Bateman on you. I really didn't mean to, but man goddamn.

But, I know that I'm just young and that's why it hurts so much. Most things happen for a reason and maybe these people weren't meant to be in my life anymore (especially since most of this is high school bullshit), and I hold on for sentimentality's sake. Maybe I just attach myself to the wrong people and expect them to do for me what I do for them.

Maybe I should have gotten more than four hours of sleep.

Here's a random picture of Aaron Eckhart to cheer me up.

Might cheer you up too.

For the Comedians

"Heard joke once:

Man goes to Doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.'

Man bursts into tears. Says. 'But Doctor...I am Pagliacci.'"

- Rorschach's Journal. Oct 16, 1985, (The Watchmen)

And I thought my jokes were bad...

I just want to state the obvious: RAPE is NOT funny. I might elaborate on this later, but really, it's not. Call me an uptight, bitch-dyke feminist, but under no circumstance do I find something like that amusing.

#and we call this a civilization#

Well...

Yeah, I know I haven't done anything in awhile...here, he'll keep you company:

It's a bear on top of another bear! Have fun!

I LOVE HER!

Is it wrong that I like to watch people put on make-up, even though I have no desire to wear any? I found this girl yesterday, I think her name is Leesha and so far, I really like her! She's so cute! I like the way she talks and she reminds me of a young Shirley MacClaine/Cyndi Lauper.

CHECK HER OUT!

Make Me Wanna Holler and Throw Up Both Hands

I know I wrote about that "typically black" mess and how it's bullshit, but I realized that black people are the main ones setting up that "typically black" mess in the first. I mean, isn't that about 95% of every black comedian's material? "Black people do that, white people do this"?

A lot of black people seem to be twisted up on the fact that some other black people "act white" or do "white things". For instance, some black bloggers got bent out of shape over Jay-Z and Lil Wayne playing guitars and trying to be "rock 'n roll". As I mentioned before, with artists such as Prince, Jimi Hendrix, Tina Turner, Wyclef Jean, Lenny Kravitz, and others, how can black musicians be pigeonholed into one or two categories of music? In this day and age, how can a black person be expected to just listen to one or two categories? I listen to absolutely EVERYTHING, (well, everything that doesn't suck), does that mean I'm not black?

Why is it when black men get some sense and clean up the way they dress, they are in turn called "suspect"? Well, maybe I'm in the minority here, but it seems a whole helluva lot more suspect to watch a grown man shuffle around with his pants hanging off his ass, emulating a trend that came from prison bitches. Why can't guys like Kanye West, Andre 3000, and Pharrell Williams wear the clothes they want and express themselves without the "these niggas faggin'" bullshit?

It's like, why do black people want to be held down by culture restrictions? All this "black people can't/don't do that" bullshit is very irritating and it's truly sad when people who look like you want to oppress you. We've come too far as a people to hold each other down.

There are different strokes for different folks and "different folks" does not mean "different colors of people" but "people in general".

SIDE NOTE: I really don't like the phrase "African American". It's so ignorantly politically correct. First of all, Africa is not a country, but a continent, so for someone to be "African American" would be like someone being "North American"; it just doesn't make sense. Second, I've never been to any part of Africa in my life, let alone be born there, so for me to be African-American doesn't make sense since I was born and raised in the United States of America and ergo, I am American. I understand that America is a huge melting pot and we want to acknowledge the different types of cultures without being offensive, but let's not be ridiculously ignorant. And most of the time, the acknowledgment feels like a label being put on people. When you feel out a job application, why do they need to know what you are before they set up the interview, anyway?

Dude in the Tub

Tupac is squeaky clean!

And so is Matthew...

But I Wear Polos!

A year ago when I had a MySpace page, before Tom's bitch ass deleted it for no goddamn reason and didn't enough have the goddamn decency to tell me that he did, I would frequently browse through some pages, mostly of my "friends". I visited one of my "friend"'s and in the "About Me" box, either they started with the line or it was at least the second, with "I'm not a typical black person." and immediately, fury rose in me. "JUST WHAT IN THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?", was one of the things I remember thinking. "I'm not a typical black person," HUH? What does that statement mean? What or who is a typical black person?

Then, a few days ago, Liz was on YouTube watching a video for an artist named Santogold. She was scrolling through some of the comments and someone left one that said, "I like her, she's different from other Black female singers. Like the fact that she doesn't sing typical black music." Again, JUST WHAT IN THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! With black artists like Nina Simone, Jimi Hendrix, Prince, Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Ray Charles, Bo Diddley, Andre 3000, Alicia Keyes, Erykah Badu, Gnarls Barkley (Cee-lo), Pharrell Williams, Kelis, Tina Turner, and numerous others, JUST WHAT IN THE FUCK IS "typical black music"?

Now, I'm sure the people who would say a thing like this don't mean to sound bigoted or racist against black people as a black person, but it's pure ignorance that they seem to embrace and revel in. You could just see them filling out job application and checking the box for "Black/African American" in the ethnicity section, then writing next to it, "not typically, i don't listen to rap or smoke weed and i'm not on welfare" or whatever stereotypically shit they think they're distancing themselves from. These are the same kinds of people who, if called NIGGER, would be more upset at a white man thinking they were one of those awful, awful "typical black people," rather then being offended at the slur itself and all the hate it stands for.

So who is the typical black person and why are you so quick to say they're not who you are? Who's a typical anybody anyway? What makes you so different/special anyway? Cuz you dress preppy, learned French, listen to "typically white music", go to Starbucks, and watch "typically white" TV shows? Well, like Kayne said, "even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coupe" so you can be all haughty bourgeois if you want to distance yourself from those awful,awful, unclean, misbehaved, ghetto, heathen "typical black people" whoever they may be, but to somebody, you are just another nigger like the rest of us. I'm really sorry to be the one to pull your coat, but it's true and I don't care what your Uncle Ruckus and Aunt Sarah Jane tell you.

SO CUT ALL THIS BULLSHIT!

By the way, I've never heard a white person say, and I doubt one would in a million years, "Oh, but I'm not a typical white person..."

And I know black people aren't the only ones, plenty of other members from various ethic groups are toxic shamed, but we are who we are and though we may not fit exactly into where we're expected, we can't use that to separate us even further than we already are.

I want to put it all on Lynch, but he's been dead for almost 200 years. I guess he really knew what he was doing when he made that speech, cuz it ain't failed yet. Divide and Conquer usually never does.